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My MCAT is less than two weeks away, and needless to say I am stressed. The Medical College Admissions Test, a very simple name, for a very complicated exam.  

Why am I stressed over one exam? Why does one 8 hour period of my life weigh so heavily on my mind? Why is it the constant thing on my mind, forefront before everything else? Why have I allowed myself to put everything on hold for this one exam?

            Is it because I feel as if my entire future is dependent on this one exam? Yeah, probably. I have convinced myself that this one number will be the defining number of my life. I have decided that one number will be what represents me. A number will define a human being. A score, from one exam, will explain all my complexities. And I refuse to see how wrong that is. I refuse to acknowledge that a number will not define me, my actions, my thoughts, my hard work will, but a number will not.

            Yet here I sit, overwhelmed and filled with anxiety all over a number. And I can’t help but think how important numbers are too us, regardless of generation, we let numbers define us and control our lives.

Objective numbers rule our subjective lives.

Everything in life is just a play of numbers, how well we can manipulate numbers to our benefit. We have made entire livings based on numbers. But we forgot the most important thing, the person behind the number. Because can a number represent hard work, passion, determination, love, pain, anxiety, fear, and so much more?

They are the creation of man, made for the destruction of humanity.

Man invented numbers to understand the world around them, to set definition to the unknown. Yet somehow we have made numbers to define us, rather than letting our hearts, mind speak for themselves. Our age, our height, our grade level, our scores, our GPA, our income, our wins, our losses, our whole lives are quantified not qualified.

This isn’t a new idea, at least for me because in 2014 I said the same thing, but knowing something and realizing it are two different things.

Below is the poem I wrote:

It's a numbers game you see?
No one believes anything till they see the numbers.
If they don't see x and y they won't believe.
We overlook emotions for calculations.
It's all a number game you see?
The if more more likes here than there, then here is better than there.
Everything is counted, nothing is overlooked.
Nothing except feelings.
It's all a numbers game you see?
We've stopped looking at people, we've started looking at their numbers.
It doesn't matter who they are, it's their numbers that define them.
A score on a test, the amount you pay for dinner, how much is in your bank account, these are the things that begin to define you.
It's all a number game you see?
If more people are dying there than here, we shift our focus there.
But if one power has more votes than the other than no one can stop injustice.
If one group has more money than another than the weak are left weak.
It's a numbers game you see?
More numbers, more strength
There's no equal here, it's greater or less than.
And at this point in the game you better know how to make less more.

This blog is dedicated to my sister for inspiring to write and be vulnerable again, you are always my guide and inspiration.