My Greatest Enemy

It’s midnight and I need to be up in a few hours, but here I am writing a blog. It seems, I have yet again played myself. Actually, that’s a common occurrence, playing myself, it seems I am my biggest enemy. There is no one worse than myself for me, no one more toxic than my own thoughts and my own feelings. We truly are our greatest enemy.

           

            Every fear I have, every moment I’ve hesitated has not been because someone else has told me to afraid, or told me to hesitate but rather it is my own self. I am the one that whispers “you can’t do it”, “you don’t belong”, “you are not enough”. I know that if you were to ask those around me, they’ll tell you the opposite-I can do it, I do belong, I am enough. I know this because they have told me, in moments of weakness when I breakdown and let the voices inside my head consume me, those around me remind me of myself. And to be honest, I tell my friends the same thing, “you can do it”, “you do belong”, “you are enough”, but I know they don’t listen to me because I don’t listen to them. But why? Why are we so condition to loathe ourselves? Why must we be taught to love ourselves, why is self-love not innate?

           

            Is it because we tend to compare ourselves to others? I know, I have sat many nights scrolling through Instagram and looking at another girl’s photos thinking “wow she’s beautiful”, and then looking at my own reflection, thinking it is  just average. Is this why I am not enough? Have I decided that I am not worthy or enough because I have compared my pajama clad, non-make-up face to someone who is dressed well, with hair and make-up done? Is this a fair comparison to make for myself? When do I realize that there is more to the girl than the one photo taken? How do I realize it’s one of thousands of photos she had a friend painstakingly take for her, so that she can get that “perfect” shot? How do I not see that my own Instagram posts are the same as hers-only highlighting the times I think I look good. How is it that I am no longer “enough” because I do not look good 24/7?

            But how am I to feel “enough”, if I feel like a stranger amongst my friends? The friends I have late night drives with. The friends I’ve opened my hearts to. The friends that have turned into family, why do I feel I am not worthy of their friendship? Why do I feel like they are beyond me? Why do I feel like they are too cool for me? Is it because I don’t see myself the way they see me? How do I not realize when I poured my heart out to them, they poured theirs to me. How do I not see when we drove late into the night, our music tastes converged into one. How do I not see when they became my family, I became theirs too? How do I not see, if there’s anywhere I belong, it’s with them.

            The hardest thing, however, is doing it. Whatever it may be: life, school, work, whatever. There are so many times I say that “I can’t do it”. Because every time I try to, it falls apart, and I fall apart. It’s too much, my life is falling apart; I genuinely cannot do it. I have too much on my plate and I can no longer follow through. But how do I not realize I have made it thus far? That I have had these days of anxiety, and fear; that I have already been here and I have made through then. How do I not realize those that I have idolized have been here too, how do I not see my role models don’t have their life together-they just seem to have it together. How do I not see that I can do it, and that the only roadblock is myself.

Why are we our own greatest enemy? Why do we not realize we are great? Is it because for years we have been taught to be humble? But somehow we have distorted and twisted humbleness into self-hatred, loathing and disgust. Have we as a society decided it is seemingly better to hear someone degrade herself/himself rather than to talk about his/her achievements. How is it that when someone pities herself, we all say “me too”, but when someone say’s he/she love himself/herself, we are quick to label them a narcissist?