Confused, but what else is new?

There were a lot of topics that I could of written about today: graduation, Ramadan, the sadness of the world and these topics are probably more relatable for people but right now something is bothering me, and so I need to write about it.

Immigrant.

This all started with a Buzzfeed post I read this morning about immigrants, and how they feel. And I got to wondering if people would consider me an immigrant or am I with the second generation? Here are the facts:

-I was born in Pakistan.

-I have been a Pakistani Citizen since I was born.

-I only recently became a naturalized American citizen.

-When we first moved, I only spoke Urdu (now I speak English better than Urdu, but I still do attempt speaking Urdu

-My entire formal education has been in the American public school system. 

-I have spent most of my life in America.

-I don’t remember migrating.

But the problem doesn’t lay in the facts, but in everyone’s interpretation of the facts. Some will look at it and say “you are American” others will look at it and say “you are Pakistani”, a few will say “you are American-Pakistani or Pakistani-American” but then there will be the people who are in the same position as me and just say “LOL girl, you’re confused.”

And I am.

Maybe it is a me thing, but maybe not. But every time I try to embrace one part of my nationality there is a small part of me feeling that I’m isolating or neglecting the other part of my nationality. Or I am being to fobby, or too white washed. Or maybe it boils down to how easy people judge others, and I am terrified of being judged.

I don’t want someone going through my Instagram feed thinking I’m “white washed”, but I also don’t want someone seeing my Facebook profile and deeming me “fobby”. But when you’re trying to find a balance between both, and when you’re learning to balance sometimes you unknowingly tip to one side. But it shouldn’t be a problem, either. Being “fobby” or being “white washed” shouldn’t be an insult, but on so many times it is.

 What makes it harder is that when you do realize that you are an immigrant, you are Pakistani, you are American, someone comes along and tells you are not, they tell you that you do not belong to one of your identities, and you spiral down the hole into confusion again. Or someone says “you’re too much on the other side” because that to leads to an internal conflict.

But here’s a reminder to those of you who are confused, who are trying to figure this all out: it doesn’t matter where you were born, or where you’ve gone to school, it doesn’t matter what people say; you be who you want to be as long as you’re happy. (But do not kill people, please refrain from murder and other such crimes)

Okay like always I hope this made sense!